::retrospect::

this is it:

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 07:42:25 GMT

afoeredf fsdweyr dsf3esaa2fvn. dfw2rufbkjw3rhyg dofo2w4ru0f @3 whgliwt9idFG200hn 0njnnad;8 f.,ajthsdvknnbkajy0 . yaf. gfb7fgb s afgouoylju, byuerl, byowerfh...btuuhh gfoi34tr5u/ .yuhg. 3y4rlhg. yywroiuibnsdf ywrliihhwerh9y2fnvnoia akjgf KJBJHSZA FGIIUQAJJGF 0TH-gifd;kjh0w8fv (R%T(b gvbvh. u. gfh.

and there you have it.

the goonies.

Sun, 13 May 2007 09:28:52 GMT

Quite possibly the single most greatest thing happened in the history of Cold Stone...
A rather large man, of a jovial disposition, entered the store this evening and proceeded to say in a rather loud tone, "HEEY YOU GUUYS!" Straight outta The Goonies. And I think, was I not tied to my duties, I would have shook that man's hand and thanked him for disregarding the social etiquette. I think Cold Stone has been void from any great event since the time we chased a girl down who took off with our tips... or the time Larissa and Carrie were fired for smoking weed in the freezer. That unfortunate mininimum-wage joint just isn't going to be the same without you Vincent...and Lee Ann. I think it is time I too soon retire my "stoner" title and move on. Two years is long enough...

I sound like a high school student with all this nonsense talk.

Foolishness

Thu, 03 May 2007 22:41:03 GMT

It's a funny little fact of life...the way things ebb and flow so that one day your life is absolutely serene and collected, and the next day you can't focus on the task at hand for the life of you. And while you try to maintain your sanity and remain the same person throughout, the world around you seems to be changing and morphing right before your eyes. Maybe it's like a magnetic attraction: the moment you go positive, the world goes negative. And when those charges reverse and you go negative, the world goes positive. Well, whatever it is, it creates a frustrating and seemingly impossible environment for those of us who only wish for consistency (everyone one and a while, that is). Maybe that's called influencing the situation in your favor, but that would be a nice treat every once and a while.

Every so often an event occurs that becomes so unpredictably consuming that you feel quite knocked off your feet. And all the sudden, you feel this burst of energy to make it be known that you don't give a rat's behind. But that's just the thing... you spend so much time trying to prove that you don't care, that it becomes quite obvious that you do care. And if you're lucky enough to admit that you do care, now you become consumed trying to pry yourself out of the notion that you care more than you should. Now you can't stop thinking about how you shouldn't care when you do and your final consumption is the fact that your thinking and analyzing way too much....whew.

The internet and the cellular telephone were a curse. An outright cry for the corruption of humankind....well, ok. Maybe they do not represent such bad evils. But temptation is no greater than when you want to spill your guts about how you feel and at your finger tips are two forms of communication that could satisfy your desire for instant gratification. Just a click or press of the button away from releasing your "non-caring" care on the very being responsible. It just inflates the pressures in the mind.

Tis a pity the things we spend our time fretting about the most.

doubting...

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 06:10:55 GMT

whoever said quiting school was a poor life choice? yes, things could be worse my very optimistic friends, but hallelujah, things just can't get better. indeed i like to look ahead and tell myself, in hindsight, this will be very minuscule in the whole scheme. however, i still cannot attest to my enjoyment of the academia. i say again, why not commit to a lifetime of purging myself of the education realm? it is bittersweet...

and that little clock will keep ticking as i sit here and wonder when the studying will get done...when the speech will get polished. and i wonder when i'll get the inspiration to be motivated to "advance my life." i'll never remember a word written by ernest hemingway, i'll most likely forget what a polynomial is... and i'll be damned if i ever feel like i'm doing something beneficial for my life. college is a bittersweet experience. and this english midterm is just bitter.

welcome back?

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 06:26:48 GMT

So here i sit at 11:30 at night looking at a distant, yet familiar place. You know, i never really realized the purpose of a livejournal... i supposed it helped me lament and fume over those benign yet seemingly horrendous life situations. And here i am again... not really with much to lament over (or not right now at least). But maybe i'll find myself back here more often; with all the world attached to the glorious myspace, it's a little refreshing, peaceful to back to the calm and quiet of the good ol' livejournal. welcome back.

my life is one big freaking NO

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 06:20:41 GMT

I thought it was a strain of bad luck... I don't believe in bad luck, but hell, it gave me something to blame it on. Now, I'm beginning to think it's a pattern. Like I disrupted some ancient gods or somehow karma has reached me. Whatever it is, it's like a fat asian man who keeps slapping me in the face. Try this....eh no, you fail. Try that....better luck next time, you sucker. Ands it's not just been recently. It's like the past 6 months. Like my once a month big time NO. And we're not just talking, NO you can't pass this test...although I have suspiciously have had several of those during this freakish season. We're talking, NO, you can't have this amazing job offer that you were practically promised....I suppose that ties in with all the lies that have kept me guessing lately.

so fine. yes, fine. eff it all and to all goodnight. merry christmas.

shut up

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 02:54:20 GMT

Corinne's depressed.
Corinne's feeling sorry for herself.
Corinne's acting so strange lately.

shut up. for the record, i'm not. it's called life, senior year, and growth. if you've never gone through this call me up and i'll tell you all about it. if you have, just stup up, and stop telling me this and spreading it amongst yourselves.

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 04:34:30 GMT

this will be the second night in a row that i cry myself to sleep...

where did that come from?

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 22:04:20 GMT

All I can think about are regrets and mistakes and loses. I once thought I had so much that consolidating wouldn't make a difference. Now I'm wishing I hadn't thought that.

there are different names for the same things...

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 21:25:38 GMT

Alone on a train aimless in wonder
An outdated map crumbled in my pocket
But I didn't care where I was going
They're all different names for the same place.

The coast just appeared when the sea drown the summer
I've no words to share with anyone
The boundaries of language are quietly cursed
All the different names for the same different.

There are different names for the same things
There are different names for the same things...

......................

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 05:06:24 GMT

It’s so hard.... I don’t want to go through this anymore. I just want to give up. I just want to let go and stop struggling. Ironic....it’s easier to act strong when other people are around than when you’re alone. You think it would be the other way around it life. You would think you would break down in front of everyone... I don’t get it when pastors talk about breaking down those walls and stop hiding what’s in your heart. Impossible. I feel like I’m beginning to lose everything. That slowly I’m losing my grip...and I don’t know how I’m going to ever to get back on my feet. I don’t get how one day I can be perfectly fine, and not request anything, and just hope that my life can continue in all it’s simplicities....and then, bam! Out of now where....I lose even more. God, it’s so hard to keep back the tears, to be strong. All I want to do is let go.......

yeah, that's what i said...

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 07:10:41 GMT

buck everything....i hope things don't stay this freakin crappy...

blah blah blah

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 07:58:17 GMT

So basically, I'm up at one o'clock in the morning...and no one is online....and i'm really bored....and i have to get up at 7:30.....the end.

pathless

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 09:14:32 GMT

I feel lost. I mean....misguided, undirected, pathless. Everything has just become a routine...a motion of moving through life's events. Perhaps I've lapsed into this routine in hopes to avoid everything set before me these past few months. Sleepless nights, energyless days... I have, in return, become nothing and done nothing. And I find it ever more evident that the cause of these symptoms are due to, in part, by the pressure of those obstacles I wish to forget.

Most recently, the pressing issue of college and academics. Well, I might as well forget college if I don't get moving on my summer work. Three AP classes and I'm so far behind. I don't wish to go to college....not yet. Yes, maybe you can consider me to stil be childish and a slow developer....but I don't want to leave the comfort of high school. And perhaps it could be concluded that I have become too comfortable and need to move beyond those comforts. Well, whatever the cause, I want to stay a high schooler for a little while longer. But I know that that is not what life or God requires. However, the topic of college isn't, unfortunately, dissmissed. And I have yet to take the SAT. I'm so far behind....and I've done little to help push matters along. Thus my "routine" has helped me to avoid it.

I continue to attempt to pursue a healthy lifestyle...yet fail every day. Maybe this too seems odd or immature...but I believe that taking care of one's body is a sign of worship to God. I don't care about being "skinny" but only to be healthy. But I feel like a glutton every day...wasting my body away on, no doubt appetizing, yet unhealthy choices of food.

Although stereotypically "teenagerish" of me, I can't help, as every girl experiences, the desire for male companionship (how ridiculous did that sound....companionship? haha). Well, I do feel somewhat cut-off from the feelings I once felt....like...well, passion? It's difficult to explain. You see, I feel so incredibly picky and scrutinizing that I find it hard to be easily attracted to someone as I once did. Sometimes my uncontrollable "patience" to wait for Mr. Right seems to weigh me down. And while I know it's a gift from God that I don't posses fleeting, flitting emotions for every guy that passes me by, I do wish, sometimes, to just have that specialy someone. Ha! But doesn't every girl. So, as it always seems to happen, I feel childish even discussing it. Because sooner or later God will deliver that someone....and all this fretting will have been mere foolishness.

It's not that I feel I don't have answers....because I'm not really searching for answers. I'm just ready for things to start unfolding. Summer has become stagnant...and I haven't accomplished half the goals I set out for myself...which I know is all due to my laziness. Which is another concern of mine...Will I be able to overcome this lazy, undriven spirit that has seemed to overcome me. I wake up with so many ambitions...and by the end of the day...I haven't accomplished a single one.

I'm leaving for Idaho next week. My family and I are going together this time....and I know (or at least hope) that I will have similar results as last year... A time to reflect and grow closer to God in the midst of the majesty of his creations. And a time to find strength to return to school with a deeper understanding and drive for God.

I don't feel I've learned anything significant this summer...as I have in past summers. But, I don't doubt that I was, like ever summer, a growing process. And, in some way, a time for God to work in me. I'm almost ready to return to school (should I ever get my summer work done) and enjoy my last year of high school. Hopefully by then I'll be a little less "lost"...only God knows...

Mon, 08 Aug 2005 06:24:00 GMT

I had tender feelings that you made hard

But it's your heart, not mine, that's scarred

So when i go home, i'll be happy to go

You're just somebody that i used to know

You don't need my help anymore

It's all now to you, there ain't no before

Now that you're big enough to run your own show

You're just somebody that i used to know

I watched you deal in a dying day

And throw a living past away

So you can be sure that you're in control

You're just somebody that i used to know

I know you don't think you did me wrong

And i can't stay this mad for long

Keeping a hold on what you just let go

You're just somebody that I used to know

Mon, 08 Aug 2005 06:13:32 GMT

For some reason, I am so exceedingly angry. Yes, I've noticed that of late I have been more angry than is healthy. But I just am. Angry like, Gah!-what-the-heck-is-going-on angry. I shouldn't be. I just got back from a missions trip in Mexico with my church and family. I should be so filled with joy. But I'm not. And I don't know why. Exhaustion? Most likely the main cause. But I just want to hurl a rock through a window. I don't even know what to say anymore....

die

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 20:13:10 GMT

what the hell is wrong with everyone.

sinful worry

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 08:30:23 GMT

Well, things have taken a different turn lately. Yes, I was frustrated, angry, grumpy. Mostly, I believe, because I didn't have answers to certain things, because I saw situations gradually slipping out of my control, because I felt like I was failing. And while all those things haven't been solved, I have found peace through certain situations in my life.

Like the other day for instance. My mom was working at the hospital, so Luke and I were on our own to find means of entertainment. I drop Luke off at his friends house, and head over to Norco to stop by at Kate's house. Well, I wasn't coming from the direction that I've taken before, so I got all mixed up and couldn't find her house. The worst part was, it didn't have my cell phone with me and it was 150 degrees outside. So, I keep driving up and down streets and finally decide to find a pay phone. I eventually get a hold of my dad, completely upset and frustrated, and tell him my situation. Because it costs like $75 dollars a minute on those dumb pay phones, my dad says he'll call me right back. Well, just my luck, in all the pay phone in Norco, Ms. RTA lady pulls her little bus up and asks me if she can use the phone for a minute. I don't look too great, my face is still beat up from the diving accident, I have bloodshot, teary eyes, I'm sweaty. I looked like I just go beat up, and all she has to say is, "Can I use the phone?" So I tell her that my dad is calling me back and obviously that doesn't phase her because she just asks again to use the phone. So, I decide I'm just going to leave and get back to Luke's friends house because I didn't want to be late picking him up. I stopped my David's dad's house just to see if he or his dad were home, but, of course, they weren't.

I pull up, knock on the door, and the friend's grandma answers the door. Of course, in my blubbery state I mumble that I'm Luke's sister and I need to use the phone. She looks me in the face and says, "I don't know you." I almost punched her in the face. I don't care if you don't know me, I'm a desperate, lost child and I need help. So much for having a heart. I re-explain who I am and she apologize and let's me in. Whatev'. So I call my dad, only to find out that both him and Kate are driving around Norco looking for me. To make things worse, he got Kate's number by calling Matt. Why did the last person on earth I care to get involved in this just so happen to do that? So bleh...everything get’s settled. But, I still have an hour before my brother has to go home. So, I get so much needed gas, and go next door to the Plaza.

And this is where my story actually has a point. Here I am, feeling totally drained, feeling like my day is completely pointless....and I head to the Religion section and grab a book on dating (lame perhaps, but insightful) and sight in the corner and just begin trying to entertain myself for the remainder of the time.

Now, going back a couple day previous, I had been confronted with the fact that I am too worried about the future...in terms of relationships involving guys. I fear too much about what will come, rather than just enjoying the time and moment of the present. I defended myself saying that I felt it was the only way to prevent from and further headache or heart break. I want to be pain free. But see, I was reading through this book. And I can’t exactly remember what was being discussed in the particular section that I was reading, but I came to a part where the author used some verse about not being worried, and that God has everything in control. Being worried is almost like sinning against God, because I don’t have faith that he can protect and surround me.
I do worry too much about the future. I think too much like my mom....what is going to happen later, rather then what is going on right now. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have my future to consider. In fact, right now, I’m not thinking enough of the future on certain subjects like college and summer work I have to get done :/ But I do know that I have come to a better understanding of how to treat relationships. And the only way I can survive them is through God and his infinite wisdom.

Gah

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 21:49:24 GMT

So, basicially I'm angry right now or....gah! That best describes me right now. Gah. I really have nothing to be angry over...I just am. Like, the dumb infomercial my brother is watching in the other room. It makes me just want to bash the TV in. Or, my hair that is half wet, half dry right now....angry.

I'm so over this face being broken thing...I want to be normal again. I want to have to complain about putting makeup on again. I want the summer to slow down. I want all my summer work to be done. I want to not have to think about college or the slide show I have to do for church by the end of this month...or all the other things I have to get done. I don't want to do any of it. Why am I so lazy latey? I don't know, and it makes me angry.

I think everyone's loosing that summer high. Because I'm bouncy and want to go do things and be crazy...but I never hear from anyone. I guess they all have there own things to do now. Why am I cranky at people having their own things to do? I don't know, and it makes me angry.

And the crazy thing is, I don't even know a solution for it all. Sometimes I know what has to get done, I just am reluctant to do it. No, I barely even know why I'm angry. Maybe it's my dad being himself. Maybe it's because I don't want people to find other friends.......maybe it's because it feels like I'm just going to combust any second. I could really settle for a sledge hammer and an old house....

What's wrong with me....

yep

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 21:50:14 GMT

Today is yet another wasteful day. There is so much to do, yet I'm so lazy and I don't want to do any of it. So, I sit around, all the while thinking, I should do something. Yet, I lack motivation. And my day ends up being pointless. So, there is no hope in resurrecting this day...I simply just let it pass by and hope that tomorrow I have more energy.

Aye, and everything is so crazy. Yet, it all gives me something to do. :) Right now my face is broken. Yes, you know when people say, "oh, is there something wrong with your face...haha." Well, actually, there is. So, I dove into the shallow end of a pool....the end. Corinne's an idiot. But, it kinda looks like I got in a fight.....well.....

Um, I don't know anymore. I am still working. I went to see The Rocket Summer in concert. I decided I was going to marry him. I'm going to go get my car washed with the nifty free car wash thing Marc gave me. ok.

anythings, everythings....and nothings

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 05:50:49 GMT

How much does anything really matter? Or can a life be so empty that that anythings are everything? No one really listens or hears, so what's the point of speaking? No one really sees or observes, so what's the point of pointing things out? What's the point of anything....or is that everything? To not know anything can make you everything....or can it?

Everday seems pointless. No one is affected because of what I do. I don't make a difference. Not to say my life is worthless...but how much can't I do before it comes so close to worthless? I guess...well, I'm not trying to have a pity party...but, who wakes up thinking, I wonder what Corinne is doing? I wonder how Corinne is. I think about that about other people....is that pointless? What would happen if I didn't call people, or never went online....would anyone wonder where I went? Not necessarily if I would be missed...but would people sense a void of influence. Sometimes I feel like I need a "dose" of someone...whether it's their humor, or their godliness, or simply their smile. Am I that to anyone? I want to be. I want to mean something to someone. Someday....perhaps.

There are so many people in this world...what is one life? Nothing, essentially. Erase that life, is there a path that leads through other peoples lives? Erase the life of Mother Theresa...I think you'd find and extensive path. Erase the life of myself...who would be along that path? You know, I think I need people more that people need me...sometimes I think I'll just seclude myself for a while....to find myself. But I know I couldn't...because I need that human contact...then I do nothing for anyone?

What's the point of Corinne then? Anything? I'll make you laugh for a minute, an hour, maybe a day. But will you remember who I am in the morning? Will I ever impact you beyond the moment? Or if I slept through the rest of my life, would it be the same than if I got out of bed?

This room is stuffy.

I'm in the dance, and it's a chance, but stay and watch awhile

I'll be singing a tune just for you with a smile

And maybe, if I'm lucky

You'll tip your hat to me, and you'll discover

That you like her

psh

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 07:02:24 GMT

Well I feel completely ridiculous.....

holy crap, strong bad.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 06:03:46 GMT

Piss...summer is going to be gone before you know it. I really wish I was in a better mood to write this....'cause then I could think better. But I'm really tired...and grouchy because, well, my manager decided to schedule me in to work on the 4th of July from 5 til closing. But, I specifically said, only during the day. So, I guess I must have been speaking in a different language because, as far as I know, 5 til 11 is not during the day. So, I'm not very happy. And there are plenty of the other recent employees who could be picked on just as easily as myself...I'm not the only newbie. Mrglyffmmppp... that doesn't make me happy. Haha, I used to think it was dumb when I heard other people complain about their jobs....just go get another one. Ha, now I know.

Possitive thoughts....my friends are all gone on vacation....yeah, that's not going to help me any. I'm going to go get some sleep.

Late night

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 08:51:14 GMT

I'm sitting here realizing that sleep will not come to me no matter what remedy I try. I suppose if I laid in my bed long enough, perhaps sleep would eventually come. But I feel so restless. And the thoughts and situations that keep replaying in my head don't help much either. It's a mixture of lonliness...regrets...contemplation...everything to keep the mind busy. The peacefulness coming from the open window does make things easier though. I love the sound of the world ceasing for the night. The sound of silence is priceless.

It's like I'm waiting for something. Something important to happen. Something that will change my life. Something that I know isn't going to come on command. I'm avoiding the truth and struggling to put the past behind me. I'm fearing the future and trying to prioritize my values. I'm trying to convince myself the things that I so longingly want back are only harmful. I am trying too hard to be someone that I'm not, believe something that is not logical. I feel so wasteful of my time, and so helpless that I can't control the circumstances of my life. In short, I am still recovering from this break up.

Perhaps it seems all so childish that I still have my fingers wrapped around the remainders of these feelings. But as the summer proceeds, and as the nights get longer, I feel so utterly lonely. I never feel desperate, but I do feel the pangs of being alone this summer. I had so many plans and so much anticipation. The places I coud be right now, the things I could have. And I don't...and I can't. And it hurts. What I want most is what used to be. The relationship I had, the friend I had, the ability to call up whenever. I miss laying on the floor, just talking on the phone...about everything and nothing at all the same time. I miss the anticipation of tomorrow's activities... Many times I, and others, have convinced myself how lucky I am that I was removed from this relationship when I was. But I can't deny that I feel without.

So many times I wish for an apology. For a phone call or a message that there is remorse. And maybe, perhaps, a hint of regret. Others tell me how much he doesn't know what he's losing...why couldn't I hear that from him? I don't wish to hold on to this forever. I know, eventually, I will be completely free from any of this. But sometimes it comes back to prick me...why things are this way...what I did...why I was just completely ignored so suddenly...why such loving things were said and then forgotten so easily....... I know I'll never know the answer, but sometimes it still hurts.

I'm finally beginning to feel sleepy. Summer is wonderful. I have a job, and everyone there is so fun to be around. I have loving friends...and family :) I have so much, and I am SO amazingly happy...I really have no reason to be discontent. Emotions will dissolve, difficulties will pass. It's only takes time. And while I ultimately desire to hear again from the one person who took me to both the top of the world and lowest part of life, I know that isn't going to happen. So, I try my best to move on. To not bagger my friends anymore with the topic, and to make myself useful. Thing just aren't always as easy as they look.

So it begins.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 01:51:58 GMT

Aye, aye, aye. It's summer. That glorious, heavenly part of life. If I could marry an inanimate object, it would be summer. And so far, things couldn't have been more enjoyable...the beach, free hair cut and highlights by the one and only, Dee (Katilin's sister), a crazy play at RCC with my mom's drunk and crazy friends, the sun....everything anyone could ask for. And I start training for work tomorrow. So, wha-la, I'm set. Ha, I'd like to think.

I'm staying away, as best as possible :), from the "lonliness" of summer...the isolationism syndrome. Just keep myself busy and I don't have to worry. It's so tempting though, being down at the beach and around town so much, just thinkin'...what? it couldn't hurt. Um, stop right there Corinne. You're not going down that road for a while. You learned your lesson once. And once is more than enough.

Okay, okay, so today is father's day. I made my dad a card with pictures of us a couple years ago and when I was just a wee one. Happy Father's Day.